Twilight Sucks!

Vampires are hot right now. Which is actually physically impossible, cause they are the undead. But despite that, they continue to gain momentum, especially with young girls. I think they may have bypassed teddy bears and puppies.

With the overwhelming popularity of the Twilight saga, girls everywhere think that Vampires are angst-filled, sparkly, teenage boys who live in the woods of Washington State. They spend their undead lives worrying that they may hurt someone or accidentally suck them dry, causing other happy humans to become angst-filled with notably pallid complexions.

Apparently, this new Americanized version of Vampires is not going over well in Great Britain. At least, not among the true connoisseurs of Vampire fiction. At the University of Hertfordshire, they’re having a special conference to talk about the undead and how important it is to put the British vampire back on the map. It’s called, “Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture.” Very educational I’m sure. In fact, English lecturer, Sam George, actually launched a Master of Arts degree in vampire fiction at the University. If only they’d had such an awesome degree when I was going to school. I think I may have finished.

This new breed of vampires is certainly not scary or monstrous. In fact, they tend to bring out my scornful side. I’m normally anti-sarcastic, but Edward made me want to vent. I just wanted to tell him to “suck it up” and get on with his life. (Oh yeah, he’s dead, and sucking is a no no.) Well, anyway, he could at least quit acting sorry for himself. After all, he has talents. He’s very strong, he can run really fast, and climb trees like a monkey. There must be a job out there for him—even in this economy. He doesn’t have to keep going to high school for the rest of his undead life. He ought to know all the answers by now.

I liked the old version of vampires far better. I liked that they were evil, that they sucked the life out of people, that they only came out at night, and that they slept in a coffin. These traits were common among the undead. They were something you could depend on. You didn’t worry that you might stab a “good” vampire in the heart with your stake—cause there were no good vampires!

The novel, Dracula, is about good versus evil. There was no in between. No vampires that only sucked goat blood. All the vampires were fiends, bad to the bone. They went out each night and killed their victims, without a qualm or second thought. Dracula was a demon, a baby killer.

The vampire hunters were the good guys. They carried crosses and wooden stakes. They ate a lot of garlic, which kept demons and pretty girls away. They were too busy tracking Dracula down to worry about falling in love anyway.

America needs to bring the monster back into the vampire. I’m tired of soft-hearted criminals, love-struck villains, and now sparkly, angst-ridden vampires. What happened to black or white, good or bad? Shades of grey are boring. Give me a four-hundred year old man with razer sharp teeth and a Transylvania accent, that can only be killed by putting a wooden stake through his heart while he’s sleeping in his coffin under a castle guarded by wolves. That’s an awesome bad guy.