Tips by Gwenyth; Sarcasm by Barbara

Total makeover today. Okay, maybe not total as in—I look twenty years younger and had my back waxed—but semi total. (besides, some men prefer women with hairy backs) I did have my hair cut, and I signed up at a fitness club that will eventually give my body a makeover—in time. Hopefully less time than it takes for summer to arrive in Minnesota. That gives me a few months leeway.

I wish there were a magic pill to take that would give me flat abs and a firmer body in less time. I’m not asking for an overnight miracle, just something that works in say—five to six days. I have no problem exercising for a week. It’s the thought of always—for the rest of my life going to a public building where other people are groaning and sweating, pretending I can’t see, smell, or hear them, and trying to concentrate on my music while staring out the window into a grey parking lot—that makes me want to give up.

Now if I were Gwenyth Paltrow I would have a workout gym in my home, a personal trainer, and possibly a stunt double to do the actual sweating for me.

Gwenyth, the movie star, was recently criticized for trying to help out working mothers save time and energy in their busy day to day lives. She interviewed other “real” moms, such as her fashion designer friend and her venture capitalist friend, for a list of tips on how they balanced working and motherhood and compiled these great ideas, along with her own, to help make working mom’s lives easier and more manageable. Then I suppose she had her stunt-double write it up and post it online at GOOP where you can get the scoop on everything Paltrow.

I’m personally excited to try out Dr. Junger’s Clean Program that Gwenyth raves about. I don’t know the last time I had a good detox, found mental clarity, and lost a few pounds all at one time. It’s probably worth flying to Los Angeles for. I’ll put it on my to-do list for Spring cleaning.

I don’t know why people can’t just love each other and accept one another for who they are. Gwenyth was only trying to help, but many people slammed her with a taste of vitriol, up to now, reserved only for Sarah Palin. (Those are two names you never thought you’d hear in the same sentence, huh?)

I thought Gwenyth’s suggestions and tips were A+ awesome. Who doesn’t need a fish monger who makes home deliveries? And a personal assistant would be a lovely addition to our family, along with a nanny for the dogs, and a cook to whip up that healthy fish dinner. But the best tip of all was her use of bundling. You’ve heard of bundling with the cable company: cable, Internet, and phone all in one bill, saving time and money. Well, Gwenyth one-upped that. She suggested we should bundle our spa treatments. Don’t spread them out and waste time going back every day. Just have your facial, pedicure, and manicure all at once. You will save so much time and still look and feel your best.

A happy mom makes happy children. I think. I’m not really sure. If I named my kids Apple and Moses I think they may have been teased a bit. How many times can a boy be asked to part the Red Sea and not be accused of anger management problems? And I’m pretty sure my daughter wouldn’t like being referred to as a fruit—healthy or not.

I don’t know any moms quite like Gwenyth Paltrow—at least not in my neighborhood. Most of the working moms I know are more like Patricia Heaton’s character on “The Middle.” They’re more likely to pick up dinner in a sack through a drive-through window than have a fish monger visit them with his finest cut of Salmon. Of course, maybe that’s just because we don’t live near the ocean.

So, for all you Gwenyth haters, leaving mean spirited comments on her blog, just remember that bad vibrations going out into the internet is only going to come back and bite you in the butt someday. Cause, as the Beach Boys sang, “good, good, good, good vibrations” are what make happy people.