Have you ever had one of those days where you thought it was going so well and suddenly your heart is palpitating, your breathing is shallow, and you feel light-headed? I’m not talking about falling in love or sighting an alien spacecraft. Both of which can send most people into a tailspin. I’m talking about the painful sting and allergic reaction from a deadly South American Stinging Sorceress bee. Yes, you read that right. (SASS bee)
I was minding my own business, picking strawberries from my garden, when suddenly I was attacked without warning or provocation.
Now, I’ve been stung by wasps, bees, and jolts of static electricity multiple times in my life, without the hint of a bad reaction, but this bee was apparently much more maniacal and deadly. Hence the title: SASS.
Sometimes I think stuff happens just so I can write about it.
A couple minutes later, I came into the house with my berries, poured a cup of coffee, and called my mom to joke about getting stung by a bee. Suddenly, I was having scary symptoms. I broke out in a sweat, flushed and dizzy. My heart started pounding and I was finding it hard to breathe. Of course, I didn’t tell my mom I was in the middle of an attack. I just cut her off in the middle of a sentence, said I got to go, and called my husband.
It went something like this. Although, I’m unclear about most of it because inside I was freaking out.
Me: “I got stung by a bee and I think I’m dying.”
Leon: “Can you breathe?”
Me: (panting like a dog after a long run in 90• weather)
Leon: “Do you want me to come get you?”
Me: “Maybe I should call 911.” (I hang up)
I feel like I’m going to puke, pass out, or curl up and die. Maybe all three. So I unlock the front door, lay on the couch, call 911, and wait for the hearse.
A nice policeman shows up first.
Policeman: “Are you ok, Ma’am?”
Me: (I’m thinking: I called the freaking 911, of course I’m NOT okay!) “I feel bad and my stomach is cramping.”
Policeman: “Hang on. The Medics are on their way.”
The Medics show up. My pain and agony is suddenly more excruciating by the thought that I’ve broken my mom’s #1 rule to always have clean underwear on in case of emergencies. I haven’t showered since I walked the dogs, mowed the lawn, and worked in the garden!! I stink like a sweating mule! I’ll never live this down!
Talkative Medic: “So, what’s going on?” He checks my throat, takes my blood pressure. “Your airway is open. Are you sure you want a ride to the hospital? You know, people who take the ambulance have a 56% higher rate of death than riding in their own car.” (okay, some of that might just be what my addled senses heard)
My husband shows up. Leon: “I can take her.”
Me: (thinking: is he really crunching numbers at a time like this??) Nods head.
Medic: “Ok. But go to the ER, not the clinic. And stay clear of that Apple Valley emergency place. Unless you want to show up in the weekend Obituaries.” (what I heard. I swear!)
Me: Nodding and groaning in pain from the cramping.
Medic: You just need to sign this form to keep us from having our asses sued off.”
Me: “No problem. (signing something that looks like Bshruinlk)
Medic: “Have a good day!” and they’re out the door.
On the way to the hospital: Me writhing in pain. Leon driving slightly over Wyoming’s posted highway speed limit. In town. In Minnesota.
Emergency desk lady: “Can I help you?”
Me: “Dying. Bee sting.” (leaning on desk, trying not to cry)
Lady: “Fill out these papers.”
Other lady behind her: “You match! You must be her husband.”
Leon: “It wasn’t planned.”
Me: (wondering if my face is as green as his shirt… then I remember I’m wearing a green tank top) I look down and see strawberry stains across the front. Sweat, dirty underwear, and a dirty shirt. Great.
Hooked up to monitors in room. Doctor asks the same questions again. I answer again. They send in the nurse. She asks the questions again. I answer again. They send in a guy to test my heart. He asks. I answer.
Two hours later, they finally give me something for the allergic reaction. Most of the cramping has gone away, my head clears and I’m not feeling quite as dizzy… and I realize George Clooney is never going to show up. That show was cancelled.
~~~
Barbara
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