Listen Up!

 

Don’t you hate it when someone in a professional capacity offers you advice but apparently doesn’t take it himself?

I went to the dentist a while back and this young chick, (we shall call her the doctor, although she appeared to be a sprouting teen with acne and bad teeth), told me for a mere few thousand dollars I could get that tooth straightened that’s begun to push inwardly with age. From what I could see of her set of choppers, she needed a whole head straightening. If there was a tooth turned in the right direction, it must have been hidden behind another, but no braces graced those brown-spotted chewing machines.

I also enjoy hearing from the chiropractor or my Ob Gyn that I should exercise daily, eat healthy, and lose those few pounds that have been hanging around my middle, haunting me like a ghost that hasn’t seen the light. (Believe me, those pounds will never see the light if I have anything to say about it). Now this advice would be taken to heart and probably give me a lot more guilt if the doctor wasn’t eating a Twinkie and drinking a Coke while he hiked up his pants over a 24-pack belly before sitting on his little doctor stool.

Then there are the policemen. They tell us not to talk on the phone while we’re driving because distracted driving leads to accidents and more deaths and injuries on our roads. Well, guess what? Every time I see a patrolman he’s talking on his cell phone. Not on the radio where he gets his 911 calls or whatever, but a little phone pressed up to his ear. Okay, maybe driving around the same streets all day is a boring job, especially if nobody robs a liquor store or car jacks a minivan, but that doesn’t make it okay to talk on the phone while you’re driving, Mr. Policeman. What kind of example are you setting for young mothers with four toddlers strapped into the backseat? You know what happens when a mom gets on the phone!

This world is full of people with great advice who rarely put it into personal action.

Politicians are always telling us what’s good for us. They’re great with advice. They say paying taxes is patriotic and every good American citizen should feel joyous about giving to support those who won’t support themselves, but…the White House’s team of thinkers and movers are exempt from such patriotism. I guess finding places to dole out the money we donate to the cause is patriotic enough for them.

Not only do we get professionals and politicians telling us to do this or that, but we also get non-stop advice on a daily basis from the black box in our living rooms.

You know the commercial with the chubby, little, mustachioed guy who tells you to come buy his second-hand exercise equipment and get in shape for the New Year? That guy has been fat forever and a day. With all that equipment sitting around his shops you’d think he could either put it to use or hire someone else to do those thirty-second advertisements—someone who actually looks like they workout on a regular basis.

And what about the McDonalds commercials? Sure, everyone craves a burger and fries once in a while, but if you eat it all the time you will be obese. There is no getting around that fact. Believe me, I’ve tried. French fries are probably one of the greatest inventions of all time, and yet they are also pure lard. Do the names Bushel butt, Crisco thighs, or Muffin top hit you close to home? That’s what “having it your way,” “I’m lovin it,” and “Waaay better than fast food,” can do for you. And my point of course—since you know I always have a point—is that there are no fat people in any of those commercials. Are they eating plastic, pretend food or do they go directly to the bathroom and throw up? Which leads me to believe that they really don’t eat fast food in real life—duh, da dut da da…they’re not really lovin it.

So when I tell my kids what’s good for them, but do the exact opposite, I can be sure they’ll turn their receiver on mute and won’t hear a word I say. And I can’t blame them. Nobody likes to hear advice from someone who fails to put it into practice in his or her own life.