Lessons Learned in 2013

Everybody has lists. The morning news shows – or celebrity love fests as I like to call them – all had end-of-year videos with their choices of top things, people, news stories, and deaths that they believe accurately depict the past year. Well, I’ve got my list too. A list of things I learned through the past twelve months that I was probably better off not knowing.

I learned that no matter how long it’s been since I’ve stretched out on the freezing ground to make a snow angel, the memory was way more enjoyable than the reality.

I learned what teddy bears look like twerking. (Believe me, the world would be a better place NOT knowing that.)

I learned no matter how awful an actress Miley Cyrus ever was on Disney, she was still able to trick the world into believing that at least she wouldn’t be as bad of an influence on our kids as Lindsay Lohan.

I learned that if Van Damme does the splits while standing on two moving Volvo trucks, there will be many who follow with parody.

I learned that the “knockout game” is only a hate crime if the victim is black. Otherwise it’s just a “poor entertainment choice.”

I learned that Al Gore didn’t really invent the Internet. (I think it may have been Chuck Norris.)

I learned that obesity is just another word for love of Chipolte.

I learned that middle age is much like middle-earth. A horrible place where nothing is what it seems, time disappears in a blur, and weird things begin to grow in weird places.

I learned that there is a shortage of Chicago criminals to fill important political positions… hence the selection of John Kerry for Secretary of State.

I learned that “just say no” may work for drugs but it doesn’t even put a dent in a serious chocolate addiction.

I learned that news sources will always choose hysterical accusations and/or innuendo over actual facts.

I learned that there is a very thin line between love and hate… hence my Christmas online shopping spree at Amazon.

I learned that Honey Boo Boo is actually a young child and not a character on Yogi Bear.

I learned that many people believe putting Amish and Bloodsuckers in the same book title is close to heresy. My apologies to any vampires who may have been offended by this association.

I learned that global warming is no longer alive and well, but buried beneath tons of snow and ice and crying like a baby.