Interview with a vampire

For those of you who have actually taken a chance on a new young adult series that includes the words Amish and Bloodsuckers in the title, you’ve already met today’s guest. For the rest

of you, let me introduce you to the Bishop, a character who – much like Hannibal Lector – you probably wouldn’t want to have dinner with. But we’re just going to chat. It’s online, so there’s really no danger…

Me: Welcome to The Thin Line Between Truth & Fiction, Mr… can I call you Bishop?

Bishop: That would be acceptable.

Me: Thank you. To get started, I just wanted to say how intrigued I was by your ability to collect followers. No matter how evil you are or what you do, they continue to accumulate. I on the other hand, eke out a follower here and there on Facebook and Twitter like sucking friends through a coffee straw.

Bishop: That’s too bad. Obviously, you are not a leader. A magnetic personality is a trait possessed by all great leaders: Attila the Hun, Vlad the Impaler, Ivan the Terrible, Ayatollah Khomeini, and Adolf Hitler, to name a few. Of course, my brother Sisera would be on that list as well if Jael had not taken him before his time.

Me: Speaking of Jael…you seem to have a love/hate relationship with her. I can tell from the inflection in your creepy voice that on some level you actually admire the slayer.

Bishop: I’m afraid you’re reading more into my creepy voice than is there.

Me: Come on – maybe just a little?

Bishop: I never underestimate my enemy. She is smart, quick, and thinks on her feet. But smart enough to out live me? I think not.

Me: She also has loyal friends, and Father Thomas, and the Book of Tola to help her defeat you. Aren’t you a little fearful that she just might succeed this time where her ancestors failed?

Bishop: When you are destined for greatness, some people want to put roadblocks in your path. I have been leaping those roadblocks for centuries. Do you really think an old book of fables, a weight-lifting priest, and a bunch of teenagers are going to defeat me? The prince of evil?

Me: Perhaps we should move on from this hot topic. I’d like to get a little insight into what makes you tick. Obviously, I understand that you have no heartbeat. I guess what I’m asking is: why do you choose to kill people?

Bishop: I don’t choose to kill them. They choose me. Or rather, they choose evil.

Me: So you’re saying that you give people a choice whether or not to serve as your own personal Jamba Juice?

Bishop: Since the beginning there has been good and evil. More choose evil simply because it’s easier. They slide down the slope slick with the blood of those who have gone before. Those that choose good are constantly struggling uphill, fighting against the tide that tries to pull them down.

Me: And that tide would be you and your bloodsucking Amish friends?

Bishop: We do what we can. But ultimately humans still have free choice.

Me: You mean, they can choose to die accepting their fate, or running from their fate?

Bishop: Let’s not quibble over definition.

Me: Moving on. Why did you choose the Loon Lake Amish Community in Minnesota to set up your reign of terror?

Bishop: The frigid north with its long winters of cloud-covered days and bone-chilling nights was exactly what I needed after fifty years in South America. The Amish – or Ana-Baptists as they were once called – are not new to me. I have drank from their well before and knew just how simple it would be to control the entire flock.

Me: Getting back to Jael. You two have a long history. If you could give her one piece of advice, what would it be?

Bishop: Me, give the slayer advice? Perfect. Well, in the words of the inestimable Jim Croce, You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off that ol’ Lone Ranger. And you don’t mess around with the Bishop.

Me: I think that was Jim, actually.

Bishop: I already took care of Jim.

Me: Okaaayyyy. I have a couple of light-hearted questions to end this with. What’s your favorite television show? Your favorite food? And your favorite book?

Bishop: Revenge. Steak… very rare. And my favorite book of this decade would have to be My Life, by Bill Clinton. I love the way he manipulates and twists the truth. I never had sex with that woman! Ha ha ha.

Me: Thank you so much for speaking with me today, Bishop. I appreciate your candor.

Bishop: Thank you for having me. You wouldn’t want to stop by Loon Lake for a drink later, would you? My throat is a bit parched after all this talking.

Me: I don’t think so.

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