For your Pits of Despair

Is it my imagination or does it seem as though antiperspirant just isn’t doing the job anymore? As though we’ve become immune to foreign metal in our armpits. What once kept sweat in like a barrier of tinfoil, now just masks our perspiring underarms with floral, seashore, or powder fresh scents because clean no longer comes in “unscented.”

But, lo and behold, the manufacturers have now come up with “clinical protection” antiperspirant. Of course, it costs two or three times more than the original, but it’s definitely worth it. Huge wet circles don’t appear under the arms of your new blue suit revealing inner stress for all to see, and you’re usually able to get through at least a couple hours of normal activity without smelling like a kangaroo left out in the rain.

While as Americans we are accustomed to paying more for anything that states, “New & Improved” on the label, I for one find this no coincidence that the old ceases to work worth a darn, and the new does the job so easily.

Conspiracy, you ask? Perhaps. Is it possible that they’ve been shorting us on the amount of aluminum zirconium tetrachlorodydrex they once mixed into our stick of powder- scented sweat blocker? I don’t know, but I’m sure the clinical protection brands will certainly put more people back to work. I imagine the more AZT they use, the more farm workers it takes to grow and harvest the crop, as well as extra people needed to bring it to completion in the factories. So, perhaps it was a government conspiracy to create more jobs. Somebody has to fold all those cute little boxes to put the new and improved antiperspirant sticks into. You can’t just sell the good stuff out in the open like they do regular cheap roll-ons. Special graphically-pleasing packaging is where the money’s at.

I was absolutely impressed and amazed at all the extras I got with the new clinical protection variety. The brand I purchased is actually “motion activated.” Awesome, right? So if I moonwalk across the room–which I can’t do–but if I did, my antiperspirant would kick on like a mule knocking down the pasture fence! Not only is it motion-activated, but it has microencapsulated fragrance that instantly releases freshness with each step. Just like a kitty litter box, but for human underarms. My antiperspirant also brags about having special skin moisturizing ingredients. Because everyone wants soft, moist, pits, right? Wait! Doesn’t moist mean wet? I thought it was supposed to keep your pits from unsightly, smelling wetness… huh…

Anyway, if you have been sweating like a pig at the office, looking like Attila the Hun is breathing down your neck, you may need prescription strength antiperspirant. Give it a try. It may be worth the extra money. And you can brag that you’re probably helping the economy in the process.