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Barbara

Bumper Sticker Wisdom

September 19, 2017 By Barbara Leave a Comment

So, you know those cute little sayings some people have for every situation?

If you’ve ever been to college and lived in a dorm room, you probably had one roommate who collected posters with sunny quotes and positive slogans that made you want to rip them off the walls and paper their larynx with them. Of course you would never have done that because a moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret.

When you complain that your kid threw up in the car, your washing machine is broke, and your carpet cleaner is out of soap, they say count your blessings, name them one by one and you count to ten, hoping they’ll disappear before you open your eyes again.

When you’re blue they say turn that frown upside down and then you turn on some jazz and tune them out.

When you’re lifting that bench press and ready to cave they say it’s not over till the fat lady sings and you drop it on their foot and they scream bloody soprano.

Another one I read today was, We can’t direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. Where do people come up with these things? You just want to turn on the blow dryer to hurricane level and blow their boat right out of the bathtub.

But my least favorite… is when I’m forced by passing time to celebrate another birthday and they say you are only as old as you feel. Well, I feel stinking old! Especially after going to Perkins with my husband and mother-in-law the other day and realizing that we can all eat off the senior menu now. That’s just wrong.

Not wanting to leave you in a downer mood, here is a quote to brighten your world:

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy coffee! Have a happy caffeinated day!

Is there a slogan you love, or love to hate? Share it in the comments!

Thanks for stopping!

Barbara

Barbara is the author of The Fredrickson Winery Series, The Amish Bloodsuckers Trilogy, Second Chances series, and The Double Barrel Mysteries series. She lives in Minnesota and yearns for Hawaii.
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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: bumper sticker wisdom, humor, positivity quotes

They put a camera up… where?!

July 19, 2017 By Barbara Leave a Comment

They put a camera up… WHERE??

What happens in an exam room usually stays in said exam room, but I’m over fifty now and apparently I’ve lost most of my inhibitions. So, I’m going to share my colonoscopy adventure with you today. No, I don’t have the video, but I can give you the gist of it.

Being of a certain age, I was finally cajoled, pushed, pressured, and reminded enough that I set up an appointment for a Colonoscopy. Hearing vaguely unhappy reports from others who had gone through this procedure, I put it off like a five-year-old on a playground digging her heels in the sand when her mother takes her hand and says it’s time to go home. There was no actual kicking and screaming, but inside my head there was definitely an argument going on between Me, Myself, and I about whether I’d keep the appointment.

The day before the procedure I was required to be on a clear liquid fast. That means no colorful, caffeinated, or alcoholic drinks may pass your lips. So not only was I in starvation mode, but I wasn’t even allowed the Nector Of The Sane… coffee. A headache set up residence behind my eyes in a vain attempt to prove to me how very bad caffeine was for me and what a pitiful addict I had become. It didn’t work. It just made me want it all the more.

In the afternoon, I began drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade laced with a bottle of laxative powder that looked a whole lot like Sweet’n Low. Well, it did make things move very low.

Can I just say that when your bowels are clean as a whistle (whatever that means) – but they are still on high alert because of all the various laxatives you’ve consumed – the slow release of gases through the intestines make an eerie high-pitched sound like an all string band called Whippoorwill. I can only imagine that this very sound is where the country of Wales got its name.

The whole process brought to mind an old 1980’s movie starring Dennis Quad. A drunken and disgraced astronaut volunteers to have himself miniaturized and injected into the bloodstream of a caged rabbit but ends up in the body of jerky, manic, nervous Martin Short. It would’ve been a whole different scenario if he were put into my colon after drinking that awful stuff. Instead of calling the movie, InnerSpace, they would’ve called it S**t Storm of Massive Proportions. A combination between The Perfect Storm but with a Dante’s Peak ending.

You might think I’m telling you that having a colonoscopy is the worst experience ever. But you’d be wrong. The worst experience ever would be to find out you had colon cancer because you were never checked in time.

The nurse in charge of me said she’d had three colonoscopies in the past fifteen years. Most people don’t need that many, but she was extra vigilant after the doctor found polyps each time and got rid of them before they could become a problem. Her brother wasn’t so lucky. He refused to be checked and died last fall from colon cancer.

I can’t say it was a pleasant experience, but after the fact I will say that I feel very relieved I don’t have to worry about it again for ten more years.

As I sit here drinking a mug of lovely dark coffee and nibbling on a Dove’s chocolate, I am thankful for life, health, and caffeine.

Thanks for stopping! Leave a comment or just say hi!

Barbara

Barbara is the author of The Fredrickson Winery Series, The Amish Bloodsuckers Trilogy, Second Chances series, and The Double Barrel Mysteries series. She lives in Minnesota and yearns for Hawaii.
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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: colonoscopy, humor, InnerSpace

and the winner is… Much Ado About Murder!

June 8, 2017 By Barbara 18 Comments

And the winner is…

For those of you who watch award shows and love to see all the celebrities in their fancy dresses and tuxedos strutting down the red carpet, posing for paparazzi and answering inane questions from entertainment reporters, The Grace Awards may seem a bit lame and lacking in glitter. But for a writer who does her best work alone in a tiny home office and rarely gets asked for an autograph other than when her husband hands her the tax returns to sign… it’s AWESOME!

I feel like a star. I may not have my own star on the walk of fame, but my dad did let me put my handprint in the new concrete he poured for our porch steps when I was eight. Does that count?

So let’s imagine I’m wearing strappy, silver, three-inch heels and a navy colored gown with a lacy top. Oh wait, you don’t have to imagine. I just wore that for my daughter’s wedding, so here you go.

(You WILL have to imagine the red carpet, flashing cameras, screaming fans, and me sitting in the audience with my dear friends and fellow writers, Mary Higgins Clark and Stephen King.)

The big moment is here…

The audience collectively holds its breath in anticipation as Iris Johansen rips open the envelope and reads the embossed words on the card. “And the winner of The Grace Award in the mystery/suspense category is… MUCH ADO ABOUT MURDER!!” {massive applause as the orchestra plays Get Up And Boogie}

I climb the steps to the podium – elegant, cool, and poised – and take the golden Grace Award from Iris’ hands. She smiles and nods toward the microphone.

(Every winner gets to make a speech and since this is my blog and I’m the winner…)

“First of all, I would like to thank my readers for nominating MUCH ADO ABOUT MURDER for this award and for believing in the characters of Port Scuttlebutt as much as I do. I also want to thank Blake and Shelby Gunner, Alice and Tucker, Evelyn, Jack, Pete, and every one of the players who have taken up residence in my head and make Double Barrel Mysteries such a joy to write.” {orchestra strikes up the get off the stage music but I keep going, talking fast} “I would also like to thank my beta readers, editors, cover designer, my husband for bringing me coffee and chocolate while I write, my dog for giving me walk breaks, my hairdresser, Internet provider, and the UPS man.” {skinny model tries to tug me away from the microphone but she’s weaker than me because she doesn’t eat meat. I stand my ground and keep talking.} “Last, but certainly not least, I want to thank Microsoft Word program, for without your spellcheck, formatting, layout options, and imaginative fonts, I would be lost.” {three skinny models surround me and collectively pull me from the stage as I yell out my last words} Thank you, thank you all. I will finish the 3rd book! I will! I promise!  

~~

Praise from the Grace Award judges:

MUCH ADO ABOUT MURDER is a well-written, entertaining cozy mystery. The characters are believable and feel like people you might know in your own town. Blake and Shelby are charming main characters, just the right mix of strengths and weaknesses to keep the pace moving and the plot plausible. Alice and Tucker provide a light, romantic thread while Jack and Oliver add a touch of humor. The setting is presented well and the mystery progresses at a steady pace that keeps the pages turning.

See the winners in all categories at the Grace Awards

Haven’t read The Double Barrel Mysteries yet? Check out my bookstore page or click on the titles below.

ROADKILL #1

MUCH ADO ABOUT MURDER #2

~~

Thanks for coming to my award show! Hope you had as much fun as I did. Don’t forget to leave a comment and say hi!

Barbara

Barbara is the author of the Fredrickson Winery Novels, the award winning thriller, Split Sense, The Second Chances series, The Amish Bloodsuckers Trilogy, and The Double Barrel Mysteries, Roadkill and Much Ado About Murder. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and pups.

 

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The Mother of all sweepstakes!

May 8, 2017 By Barbara Leave a Comment

~~Today, I have a fun surprise that I’d like to share with you~~

I’ve teamed up with more than 30 fantastic mysteries with humor authors to give away a huge collection of novels to 2 lucky winners, PLUS a Kindle Fire to the Grand Prize winner!

You can win my novel ROADKILL (Double Barrel Mysteries #1), plus books from authors like Ken Oder and Wendy Byrne.

Enter the giveaway by clicking HERE

 

Good luck, and enjoy!

Barbara

Barbara is the author of The Fredrickson Winery Series, The Amish Bloodsuckers Trilogy, Second Chances series, and The Double Barrel Mysteries series. She lives in Minnesota and yearns for Hawaii.
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Give’em the boot!

April 26, 2017 By Barbara 4 Comments

Mid-life is so much more than adult acne, sagging skin, and wily chin hairs. It can also come with a rotating set of aches and pains. Now to be truthful, I’ve led a very healthy life so far and don’t have much to complain about. But being human and somewhat of a pessimist…

I recently decided to have foot surgery. Not just because I wanted something to complain about, mind you. I’ve been putting it off for a few years but the pain was accelerating. The doctor informed me that I had a hammer toe. Which brings a very odd image to mind. Thankfully, my toe did not actually look like a hammer, but at times it did feel like it was being hit with a hammer. A sledgehammer.

Wearing a protective boot for six weeks post surgery is probably the worst thing you can do for your body. Sure it keeps your foot from getting bumped or injured while it heals but it also causes all of the muscle in your leg to become one with gravity. Not only do I have to wear a push up bra, but now I need compression jeans to keep my calf off the ground.

For the first two weeks I wasn’t supposed to put any weight on my foot at all. I was given the boot to wear 24/7 and a pair of crutches. So as you can imagine, doing normal, routine things easily became complicated tasks.

Showering, for example, without touching one foot to the ground, is not only dangerously slippery, aggravating, and tiring, but entirely unsatisfying. I couldn’t stand with my eyes closed under the relaxing spray of hot water for ten minutes, as I normally would, because I would fall over in ten seconds. I definitely needed help.

When my husband offered his services, my imagination immediately flashed to those sexy, steamy, shower scenes in the movies when a handsome man (possibly with a voice like Chris Hemsworth’s Thor) asks the girl in the shower, “need any help in there?” Sadly, my husband’s offer of help was to tape a bag over my foot, prop me up on a metal stool and hand me my crutches and a towel when I was done. So… not the same.

 

Life is full of experiences and writers need to experience all sorts of things to glean fodder for their stories. Suffice it to say, this experience was not one I recommend. As a writer, all of this sitting around should have been a boon, right? Wrong. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t sit at my desk for ten minutes. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t do anything but prop my foot up on an icepack in front of the television and catch up on every episode of my top 20 favorite Netflix shows while eating ice cream and popping bon bons. Don’t even get me started on weight gain. How a surgical procedure on one small toe can turn into an entire body fail is beyond me!

Some boots are made for walking. This boot was not. Unless you are looking for a boot that insures you walk as gracefully as Frankenstein’s monster, with a temperament to match.

Boot Wearing Blues

Pick up your calf                    

It’s lying on the floor

You can’t walk around here

No more

 

The muscle is gone

Your energy’s sapped

You might as well lay down

And take a nap

 

My toe is swollen

My will is broken

My writing’s on hold

And this icepack is cold

 

A boot made for pain

Is fashionably lame

Doubles as a fanny pack

holds your cellphone and a snack

 

As far as comfort goes

5 stars for open toes

plastic shin guards, velcro straps

 

It’s been a hoot

But I’m givin’ back the boot

~~~~

Thanks for stopping! Please leave a comment and share ! Happy Spring!

Barbara

Barbara is the author of the Fredrickson Winery Novels, the award winning thriller, Split Sense, The Second Chances series, The Amish Bloodsuckers Trilogy, and The Double Barrel Mysteries, Roadkill and Much Ado About Murder. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and pup.

 

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April Fools news is lingering

April 4, 2017 By Barbara Leave a Comment

It’s not even April Fools day anymore but…

According to the news today, the ex-president’s wife is walking around sporting…(wait for it)… her very own hair! And it is trending like crazy because apparently having your own hair is very stylish and cool.

Just ask my husband. He doesn’t have his own hair anymore.

Also in the news is the fact that one of those flamboyant Kardashian faux-famous youngsters is walking around with most of her jeans missing. Not sure how she managed to keep the seams without any of the legs, but I’m guessing an angry underpaid illegal immigrant maid had something to do with it. Little rich brat probably wouldn’t pick up her $400 jeans off the floor and put them in the hamper, so Maria used slightly more bleach than necessary to make a point, and instead managed to come up with yet another ridiculous look for the starving-for-attention child. (Another dirty job only undocumented folks would be willing to take)

Also in the news is the fact that the new president’s wife now has an official portrait. Of course the portrait isn’t really the news. The news is that lots of insane people are writing hateful things about Melania and her portrait for the same reasons they praise everyone in Hollywood day after day after day. Because she’s wearing designer clothes and fancy jewelry and looks beautiful. How dare she? She’s a capitalist’s wife who went and made himself president with only half the country behind him. Apparently, you have to be a snide, self-absorbed, know-it-all liberal wrapped in a silk gown cut down to your crotch and walk on a red carpet with cameras flashing in your Botoxed face before you can be praised for wearing Dolce & Gabbana. Otherwise you’re just an evil woman flaunting her riches in the face of the poor and downtrodden. Oh wait! Didn’t Hollywood open up the Oscars for the homeless to come on in and eat at their tables? NOT!

It’s getting rather hard and frustrating to find real news about truly important things these days. Makes me think someone is trying really hard to keep us all in a bubble of ignorant Lala land. Which is actually the name of another movie that looked truly ludicrous, but I’m sure was extraordinarily special, given that it had tons of media hype.

I’m as excited as the next woman to see which celebrity will go on late night talk shows and tell us how she lost down to a size 3 toddler to realistically portray her character in a movie about a gender neutral, artistic drug addict with schizophrenic tendencies and a love of skate-boarding who suddenly becomes a superhero after jumping into a vat of toxic lead paint and body painting the walls of a local Basilica. But sometimes I’d just like to see a movie about people I can relate to. Real people. With real stories. People who wear all their clothes when they go outside and not just their underwear and a pair of UGGs and call it style.

Happy April! Got time? Hang out and say hi or leave a comment. Thanks for stopping!

Barbara

Barbara is the author of The Fredrickson Winery Series, The Amish Bloodsuckers Trilogy, Second Chances series, and The Double Barrel Mysteries series. She lives in Minnesota and yearns for Hawaii.

 

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Split Sense

Split Sense

When a senator and pharmaceutical giant partner to experiment with a new drug on pregnant women, they tap into a world they never knew existed – the supernatural touching the natural – and it will cost the innocent more than they know. Grace Awards Winner!

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