Ambien Dreams: porpoises, flying cars, and chimney soot

Perhaps you missed it, but there was a story yesterday that involved Dick Van Dyke, the ocean, and a school of happy porpoises. He recounted how he fell asleep on his surfboard, was swept out to sea, and was pushed back to the safety of the shore by—you guessed it—Porpoises.

Okay, first off I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me! What the heck is he doing on a surfboard? He’s eighty-four years old, for heaven sake!!”

Once I got past the age thing, my thoughts turned to drugs. I’m thinking he took Ambien. Even the commercials for that crazy sleeping pill admit to people going places, doing things, and not remembering any of it. Some people have been known to eat the entire contents of their refrigerator during the night, wake up with a bad case of heartburn, have chocolate syrup and catsup stains on their pj’s, and call the police cause they think someone broke in and stole their food.

Dick obviously didn’t want people to think he couldn’t remember how he got back to shore, so he made up this elaborate story about a choreographed porpoise rescue. He knows how hard-lined animal lovers are. They will fight to the death to save a squirrel with tuberculosis, and absolutely drool over terrific stories about animals saving people’s lives. Like the one about the porpoise who called 911 and saved a mermaid from choking to death on a string of seaweed. Okay, I made that one up, but you know what I mean. It’s usually a dog that warns his master of a catastrophic earthquake or a cat that calls for an ambulance when her mistress has a heart attack. Sweet stories that make tingles go down your leg, just the way Chris Matthews feels whenever he hears Obama speak or sees him shirtless on the beach.

Of course if a school of porpoises were going to rescue someone, the star of magical Disney movies where anything is possible, would definitely be at the top of their list. So, I’m stifling my natural tendency to doubt far-fetched stories, shutting my eyes tight, and chanting, “I believe. I believe. I believe in porpoise rescues at sea!”