If you only know me from my twitter picture you probably haven’t noticed, but the past year or so has not been kind to my physique. I’d like to say that it was on account of my last pregnancy, but since my daughter was born twenty-six years ago… Actually, too much of my favorite things took me down the road to Spreadsville. Not a town I enjoyed living in. So I decided to do something about it… besides cry in my Dairy Queen Blizzard.
Going into my fifth week of Venus Factor workouts and calorie counting is definitely giving me results. I feel the inches slowly melting away like that pile of snow outside on this 40º day.
I’d be the first to say that it’s hard. A lot harder than putting ON the pounds. But every day I feel a little bit of accomplishment and I’m definitely seeing a thinner me.
Shrinking boobs–not to be confused with shrinking violets–is a sure sign that I’m losing weight. When I look in the mirror and find that my bra is no longer overflowing, I rejoice. Given that I’ve never had silicone shoved into my chest, I’m thrilled at the change. Because everyone knows that skinny girls do not have boobs. Unlike the original Barbie, which was apparently the model for all Hollywood plastic surgeons in the past thirty years.
I have a ways to go, but along this journey I have learned a few things:
Warning: When on a diet, avoid all food-scented products. Strawberry kiwi shaving gel and Almond Joy lip balm are not a good idea when you are sugar deprived and coming down off a chocolate high. Inedible calories are not worth biting into a bar of soap. It may stop your children’s filthy mouths but it will most definitely NOT stop yours when this happens.
McDonalds is not the main culprit for America’s obesity problem. It’s actually Chili’s. There is NOTHING that you can eat there under a billion fat grams. Trust me. The salads are more fattening than pound cake. (Obviously why I love it so…)
A treadmill, once thought to be a good place to hang things from, is actually a wonderful tool for burning calories. Who’d have thunk it? It also lets me multitask, combining the thing I love most –reading – with something I don’t love quite so much – exercise. But I do love my nook.
When on an exercise ball… don’t fall off. Especially if you have hand weights sitting on the floor nearby. Can you say concussion?
Balance is something that can be learned again. Just don’t let go of the wall until you’ve learned it. And don’t fall on the exercise ball. Can you say bounce, drop, and smack?
When choosing low calorie, high protein foods, don’t shop in the cookie aisle. Or the baking aisle. Or the deli aisle. In fact, it’s best if you just stay home and send someone else to the store.