Archives for August 2010
Signs of the Times
This crossing sign also speaks for itself |
Spam–the other pink meat
Airline Perks for Pushy People
Ever since kindergarten, there have been those individuals who just have to be first in line. You remember the kids that pushed in front of you when the teacher wasn’t looking, or their friends let them cut in line in front of you with the silly excuse of “saving a place.” Like that’s fair. Those were the kids you wanted to smack, but didn’t, cause of course your mother taught you manners. Apparently, they didn’t have mothers.
Those line-cutters are the same individuals–now grown up but still without manners–that American Airlines is counting on today. The airline has come up with another totally unnecessary fee for a totally worthless perk and want line-cutters the world over to pay for it. They call it, Express Seats. I say, good for them! It’s about time line-cutters had to pay.
Express Seats guarantees pushy people get to board the plane in the first bunch of cheap seat people and sit in the front row of the cheap seats for only an extra twenty bucks. Of course, last week they could sit in the front row of the cheap seats without an extra fee of twenty bucks. But they won’t think of it that way. They’ll think of it as being first–cutting in line ahead of all the other people in the cheap seats. Getting to sit in those luxuriously, comfy cubbyholes for an extra hour or so as everyone else slowly boards, bumps them as they pass in the aisle, whacks their heads with overhead luggage, and stares at them with open jealousy will be worth the cost. At least to a serial line-cutter. Okay, maybe the first class people will still get to get off before them. And the business class people. And the people with small children. But…they’re probably next.
Express Seats will endear American Airlines to their passengers nearly as much as when they began charging to bring luggage. Who needs luggage on a vacation anyway? There’s a Walmart in every town in America. Pick up a package of Fruit of the Looms and a toothbrush when you get to your destination, and you’re all set. The luggage fee has just made everyone realize what’s truly necessary and what is not. I’m actually looking forward to the day they start charging extra to bring children under eighteen. Flights will be so much quieter.
He’s Older Than Me!!
With news that President Obama turned 49 on August 4th, I suddenly knew what it felt like to be old. I never really thought of Presidents as being young and hip, or even agile enough to ride a bike. They’re supposed to be old, and wise, and decrepit, to sit around in the Oval Office and decide important things that we obviously can’t decide for ourselves. Like which china dishes would look best at the next White House Gala or which American-hating country to give a big ol’ pile of money to. Although when I was young and naive I didn’t realize those were the kind of things they actually had to decide. But then I began living in the body of a fortyish person. I don’t know whose body this is, cause I certainly don’t feel as old as the mirror reflects.
There are certain people in my life that should never be younger than me. They hold positions of authority, knowledge, or skill that I have always believed is only obtained through wisdom that comes with age. Age older than me.
The President of the United States should never be younger than me! President Obama is really pushing it. He barely made the cut by a month and three days. If he were any younger I would have to move to Canada. Which I’ve been thinking about anyway–for their wonderful healthcare and abundant wildlife.
My Gynecologist should never be younger than me! I don’t care what anyone says, if a doctor walks in wearing baggy-butt jeans and a Spongebob Square Pants t-shirt under his white lab coat, I can’t trust him. He might work out as a Pediatrician, but if his patients are over ten years old he should think about going back to school until he can grow facial hair and his voice stops cracking.
My Father should never be younger than me! This is just a “heads up” to Mom in case she is thinking about trading the old one in.
My Pastor should never be younger than me! Okay, I’ve struggled with this for many years now. Our pastor is slightly younger than me, but since he now has a lot of grey hair and I don’t, I’m slowly coming to terms with it.
The models on television, advertising makeup and skin lotions to defy age, should never be younger than me! I hate it when some chick that looks like she just graduated from high school is telling me how young and vibrant a new skin product makes her look. What a crock! Who needs age defying skin products when they aren’t even two decades old?
Some people say that age is just a number. That we are only as old as we feel. Actually it’s an ever increasing number and the aches and pains we feel seem to increase along with the number. But I know what they mean. As long as they aren’t younger than me, I might even think there is wisdom in their rhetoric. I’ll let you know how old I feel after I finish the six mile Mud Run for MS next month. If I’m still able to write.
Here is the link if you would like to donate to MS and support my run: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/General/MNMGeneralEvents?px=8619648&pg=personal&fr_id=14711
You Know it’s Hot When __
This week has turned out to be quite miserable, temperature-wise. Unless you’re native to the Rain Forest. Then you might feel right at home. Of course, with the Dakota County Fair starting up, I knew the weather would rise to the occasion. You can’t truly have the ultimate fair experience without eating deep fried cheese while standing in the blazing sun, losing half your body weight in perspiration.
Weathercasters sometimes tell us how we can know that the heat index is too high to be out playing or exercising. But their reasons are so technical. They don’t seem to be able to bring it down to the common man. So I decided to give you a list of ways you can know that it’s “dangerously” hot outside.
1. You know it’s hot outside when squirrels refuse to scamper through the trees, but stay inside and play poker.
2. You know it’s hot outside when you take the dogs for a walk and are seriously envious when they stop to drink from water runoff in the street gutter.
3. You know it’s hot outside when Orchids and African Violets spontaneously bloom in your backyard.
4. You know it’s hot outside when the neighbor is frying eggs and bacon on the hood of his pickup cause his grill is broken.
5. You know it’s hot outside when M&Ms melt in your hand before they can make it to your mouth.
6. You know it’s hot outside when entering your home, set at a comfortable 70 degrees, feels like walking into Antarctica.
7. You know it’s hot outside when you step out to pick up the newspaper and have to take a shower before you can run on the treadmill.
8. You know it’s hot outside when Global Warming begins to make sense.
So be safe out there and don’t overdo things in this weather. You may end up embarrassing yourself by lapping from a mud puddle.
What are some ways you know it’s hot outside?